“Fair play Jordan,” Mick says raising his glass of beah, “you really deserve it.”
The rest of the table follows suit with empty praise except faw Rick who continues to shovel pasta into his face. I tuck into my steak and am pleasantly surprised by its rich full flavaw. In fact the whole spread so fah has been quite impressive. At first I waz wicked pissed the production team said we couldn’t eat at any of the high-end restaurants because no one would have us. Appahently they said an MTV reality show could be fatal faw business. Ah we really that much of a motley crew? A quick look around the table suggests they might be on to something; Kelly’s already knocked ovah two bottles of wine, Jawge is wearing an Affliction t-shirt and cap, Tawi’s tits put the dessert menu to shame, Rick refuses to take off his sunglasses, and Cassidy’s liable to go from zero to mental quickah than a Fahrahri reaches sixty. Things ah going so great faw me at the moment that I’m apprehensive about what’ll happen when things staht to balance out. In the past lady luck’s been nothing maw than a suggestive wink – now she’s swallowing. One call back would usually have me high faw a month, but three in a week! I’m in unchartahed tahritahy. No doubt ball cancah’s lurking in the post. First theah waz the featured extra paht in the Gettysburg histawy channel epic, then my coffee shop cameo in Bevahly Hills, and now the paht of a murdahed shop clahk in a Universal film still in development. Rumour has it Christophah Walken’s even signed up to play the lead. Watching a guy like that on set can only help raise my game.
Cassidy calls one of the waitahs down hah end of the table and although I can’t heah what she said I can guess by the look on the waitah’s face.
“So will you still remember us all when you’re a big-time star?” Leann says reminding me of hah presence.
“Well unless it’s a western or about yokel kissing cousins he’s not gonna be able swing the soundtrack your way.” Tawi says causing Leann to wilt befaw my eyes. Why have the girls always gotta be so nasty?
“Not evieone can be America’s next top model Tawi.” I say surprised by my own bite but Tawi takes it as a compliment and thanks me. I don’t know why I feel such an affinity towahds Leann. Maybe it’s because she’s such an easy tahget that I’ve taken up the role of big brothah. We don’t even talk that much yet hah and Mick ah probably the only two people in this house I trust – Leanne because she’s so motivated and content to go against the grain, and Mick because he has no real reason faw being in the house. Evieone else weahs their motivations like a coat of ahms. Most the time they spend maw time pecking each othah’s ahmor then they do worrying about their own “careahs”. The type of people who when asked about their flahs list being workaholics or pahfectionists with a straight face.
Tawi’s halfway through telling me about hah “dilemma” of having to choose between Ford and Q model management when Kelly trips ovah hah chair exiting for the ladies. All eyes in the place ah drawn to the direction of Kelly’s infectious laugh as she apologizes from the floor in a fit of giggles.
“Not as sorry as I am.” Cassidy moans loud even so we can all heah.
“What’s your problem bitch?” Tawi roahs from my end of the table and by the time it reaches hah Cassidy’s already equipped hah best poe face.
“So which agency ah you going to choose?” I say praying to defuse the situation.
Tawi falls for the bait telling me about the pros and cons of each but my eyes ah on Kelly who’s now sat back down. I know this can’t be good as she just ate a Caesah salad meaning she’s literally full of piss and vinegah. Cassidy says something and hah end of the table laugh and right on time it begins.
“What’s so funny?” Kelly bahks.
“Kelly what’s wrong?” I say.
“Cassidy called Tori a bitch.”
My heads hasn’t even had a chance to turn in Tawi’s direction before she’s down the othah end of the table unleashing a vicious vahbal assault on Cassidy. Evie word is inaudible or doesn’t make sense except fah the sweah words which ah pitch pahfect and seem to revahbahate around the restaurant walls.
“Don’t flatter yourself Tori. Nobody wants to talk about you or your chunky man arms or fake balloon tits.”
The words ah still fresh in the air as Tawi throws the table’s jug of beah all ovah Cassidy. The catfight which ensues is nothing like the various bedtime scenarios I’ve played countlessly through my mind and I’m genuinely shocked by the level of voracity as the two girls duke it out with Cassidy launching hahself mid-air to powahslam Tawi to the flaw. As a gambling man I would have expected Tawi to mop the flaw with a pristine and ultra girly girl like Cassidy but I guess being one of the populah girls at high school can’t come without its fights. I voyeur my guilty pleasure shouting at the girls to stop while secretly egging them on. It’s not until the restaurant staff begins to filter over that Rick stops slugging back the beah and pretends to care, but by that stage Kelly’s on Cassidy’s back and they’re nothing more than a raging ball of fury.
“Stop pulling my hair you psycho bitch.” The ball roars and Tawi seems to emerge victorious from the flaw with chunks of blonde hair. A vicious smile takes over Tawi’s face as she beams at the flaw like a triumphant heavyweight admiring his knockout blow. The count down hasn’t even started and Cassidy’s already flying through the air teeth first, like a starving werewolf, but Tawi’s too busy celebrating her victory to notice and it’s not until aftah Cassidy’s sunk deep and the red begins to flow that Tawi is aware what’s happening. Even then I can tell by hah eyes that she’s still not really sure until Kelly begins to ball and then everything finally registers in full HD.
What started off as pure panto is beginning to look like a full Greek tragedy as Kelly chases Cassidy around the table with a fork like a hungry homeless bum after a hundred dollah steak, persistently trying to stab at Cass to see if she’s done. Somehow Mick – the fearless bastid – manages to get between the girls without becoming a sliced pan after which Rick quickly bundles Cass out of the restaurant like the hero he ain’t.

Next Chapter.

Previous Chapter.

From the beginning.

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