I don’t know why I even bothered to clean the kitchen as all everyone cares about is precious Tori-you’d swear she was the first person in the world to ever have a hangover. All morning it’s been Tori this and Tori that. You’d think the girl had cancer or something. What about me? I’m hungover too and yet I still managed to clean up all that gross ham off the floor. I take a sip of green tea in the hope it’ll make me more Zen. If she’s so cold why doesn’t she put a pair of pants on? There’s only so much shame a blanket can hide. No wonder my Chi is so off kilt this morning-Tori’s whorebag vibes are obviously wreaking havoc with my aura.
Kelly slowly slinks downstairs causing me to flee to the sanctuary of the backyard. I can’t deal with another dose of recycled melodrama this early in the morning. Outside Mickey’s on a death wish fervently attempting to inhale a cigarette in one go. I want to ask him what’s the rush? As with his Celtic skin type longevity isn’t exactly on the menu.
“What’s the story?” Mickey says and I’m not sure if he’s being aggressive or that’s just his way.
“Just needed some air.”
A few seconds go past as I try to decipher his cryptic stance and body language.
“That was some crazy shit last night with Tori.” He says.
“I know. Thank god she’s okay.”
Mickey proceeds to remove his t-shirt to reveal a pale, streaky bacon chest. Lucky for him we’re in Bel-air or he’d be besieged by seagulls.
“She’s a lucky girl Jordan found her when he did.”
Blah blah blah…I immediately change the subject and ask him if MTV have lined up any jobs for him in the hope that he’ll reciprocate with the same question. He responds with a casual shrug absolving any social onus
from himself. Jesus are all the Irish this socially retarded?
“I’ve got a photo shoot myself for some up and coming New York fashion designer.”
“Apparently she’s already done some custom pieces for Gaga.”
The conversation continues in this manner until I tire of his half-hearted validation and retreat back inside.

Next chapter.

Previous chapter.

From the beginning.

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