Fuck sake it’s been thirty minutes now and I’m still stranded hah like a sitting duck. I’m so well acquainted with the intahior of this place, and its Egyptian theme that I’m beginning to feel like a relic myself. Eviething about this place smacks of pretension from the dim lit candles to the dimmah lit broads. Evieone’s so dumb here it’s like I’m good Will hunting except I’m a long way from Southie that’s for sure. I reckon the housemates probably think I.Q is some kind of mixah. Hahdly surprising given the vacuous nature of these LA ghouls. Fuck it though who needs a soul? I’m sure Apple probably has an app faw it anyway.
Is it too much to expect a little social interaction evie once and while? I’m going stir crazy here. At least hamstahs have a freggen wheel. Maybe I should just go back to the court with my tail between my legs. I’m shuh with a bit of luck I’d make their next production…
“Hey Jordan where’s Tori?” Kelly says appeahing like a genie from a lantern.
“About time. I thought she wuz with you guys?”
“No we thought she went back to you.”
“Well I ain’t seen hah. Now ladies if you’ll excuse me I need a smoke.”
I take deep, lung-filled drags from my cigarette and exhale with a sigh. If this is the answah then what’s the freggen question, huh? My lengthy dissection is intahrupted by the shouts of some quayuh frat boy hollahing at his mates to come ovah, and within no time a crowd has quickly swahmed. What the hella they doing? I attempt in vain to turn my attention back to my careah but the symphonic cacophony of idiot laughtah mixed with my own nosey curiosity quickly gets the bettah of me. Whatevah it is must be good because they’ve all got their phones out recawding but all I can see is the back of faceless apes visibly shaking with amusement. I move in closah to try and casually catch a glimpse of what’s going on, when one of the meatheads shifts to the side allowing me to seize the oppawtunistic moment.
“Get the fuck off of hah befaw I smash your face in.”
“Hey relax bro we’re just having a laugh.” A fat little tank of a man says while redoing his fly.
One of his friends begins to step up to me befaw just as quickly retreating, “Oh I get it you think you’re a big man in front of the cameras.”
“Yeah we’ll see how fuckin’ relaxed you ah when I rub my cock up and down your face.”
“Hey man we don’t want any trouble.” someone says and within seconds the group have dispersed and ah shuffling theah way back inside.
“TAWI. TAWI AH YOU OKAY HON?” I yell but she’s out faw the count.
I check hah vital signs and eviething seems to be okay.
“Well don’t just freggen stand there-get the othahs.”
But that’s exactly all he does, and light doesn’t dawn on the mahblehead, until upon seeing my clenched fist he radios the othahs.
“All crew out into the smoking area immediately, and bring everybody-you don’t wanna miss this.”
“Okay Mick You get the legs and I’ll take hah by the ahms. On the count of three. One. Two. Three.”
Jesus this girl is deceptively heavy-must be the eah chandaleahs. Inside the crowd moves pretty freely until they spot the cameras and then evieone wants a piece of the action. I try to focus on the task in hand but it’s so hot, the lights keep flashing, and the sweat keeps pumping, “Hey asshole does this look like a photo shoot to you?” To which he shrugs indiffahently telling me it’s a free country while continuing to film on his mobile phone, my head’s pounding, and my eyes ah undah siege from the constant flashing, “Are you getting all this?” The baying crowd insatiable as I grope my way faw an exit, but no light only cameras, and vultuahs, “Is she like a celebrity?” “Get out of my way!”, “Hardly in that dress.” Weah the othahs? Thump, thump, thump the techno closing in on me, someone pinches my ass, my jeans begin to cling, flash flash, “Just give the girl some freegen room,” and it’s a hunded degrees. Is that Jawge? My ahms ah buckling, “Keep going Mick almost theah. JAWGE JAWGE.” and my throat is so dry I can bahly swallow, “Could everyone please clear the area as this is a shoot in progress.” My eyes sting with sweat, “So she must be a star then. I’d never of guessed.” Finally the draft of the finish line, ah we theah yet? Ah we theah yet? “What a slut.” And the breeze teases strongah, “Everybody stand back.” The cattle finally herded, and the relief of hahd pavement. “The car will be here in a minute.”
From the beginning.