Looking around the room I don’t see anything I should be afraid of. Pretty bog standard casting call to be honest- a couple of surfers, a smoldering EMO, a very angular Hispanic kid, and the all American boy next door. I reckon Captain America’s definitely my biggest threat. I doubt the Hispanic kid even knows what deodorant is otherwise him and all his people wouldn’t be working in sweatshops all day.
The audition takes forever so I spend most of my time trying to break down Captain America with some Jedi mind tricks. I definitely think he received my last mental transmission of “you are a flapping douche bag” because anytime I look over now he flinches uncomfortably. Although maybe he just took a look at his own clothes to come to that conclusion-little Abercrombie and Fitch bitch.
“Mr. Williams they’re ready to see you now.” the hot blonde says from behind her desk.
I slowly stand up and stroll over like the super cool alpha male I am, making sure to catch Captain’s eyes as I do.
“Good luck dude.” Captain America says.
That sneaky fuck. I knew he was trying to punk me out. I rack my brain for a response but can’t think of anything.
“I was born lucky.” I finally manage to blurt out.
It takes me a few seconds to actually realize she’s talking to me.
“Room 3, third left down the hall.”
Did she just stifle a laugh? I turn around and see Captain America is smiling at me. That little shit is fuckin’ with my mojo. I double check to make sure my necklace is clearly visible-come on Rick it’s game time.
When I walk in I’m greeted by a black beast of a man who I assume must be a cornerback for the LA Chargers and moonlights as security on the side.
“Okay Mr.,” He quickly scans through his notes, “Williams is it?”
I look around the room searching for his employer but come up short.
He throws a can of Fierce deodorant to/at me which I fumble before catching.
“So let’s take it from the top just like your brief said-spray, line, and smile.”
I search into the distance but still can’t see anyone.
“Mr. Williams are you okay?” He says looking over his own shoulder trying to locate the source of distraction.
I’m now extremely self-conscious of my necklace and ironically could really do with the product. Is there even such a thing as a black Jew? Fuck he’s probably a panther.
I spray the product and say the line, “Stay cool as a cucumber with Fierce men.” and smile.
His face instantly lights up and I’m pretty sure I’ve nailed it.
Come on Rick Showtime. I spray the canister and am instantly blind. All I can hear is a raucous, hearty laugh that dominates the room while I choke on the taste of aerosol.
I manage to regain sight long before he stops laughing.
FUCKKKKKKK. I storm out of the audition room and punch the first thing that my fist connects
I return to the reception area and Captain Jerkoff’s still there as wholesomely pure as when I left him. I confidently approach and tell him that the casting director has a message for him. I wait until he begins to stand up and punch him straight back down like a jack in the box.
“He says you’re not quite what he’s looking for.” and I exit confident having delivered a performance worthy of any Hollywood leading man.