Looking around the room I don’t see anything I should be afraid of. Pretty bog standard casting call to be honest- a couple of surfers, a smoldering EMO, a very angular Hispanic kid, and the all American boy next door. I reckon Captain America’s definitely my biggest threat. I doubt the Hispanic kid even knows what deodorant is otherwise him and all his people wouldn’t be working in sweatshops all day.
The audition takes forever so I spend most of my time trying to break down Captain America with some Jedi mind tricks. I definitely think he received my last mental transmission of “you are a flapping douche bag” because anytime I look over now he flinches uncomfortably. Although maybe he just took a look at his own clothes to come to that conclusion-little Abercrombie and Fitch bitch. God he’s so wholesomely American he makes me sick. I scan his hands to see if he has a purity ring but he doesn’t which only confirms what I initially thought-he’s a good time homosexual. Probably shoots rainbows out his Jap’s eye.
“Mr. Williams they’re ready to see you now.” the hot blonde says from behind her desk.
I slowly stand up and stroll over like the super cool alpha male I am, making sure to catch Captain’s eyes as I do.
“Good luck dude.” Captain America says.
That sneaky fuck. I knew he was trying to punk me out. I rack my brain for a response but can’t think of anything.
“I was born lucky.” I finally manage to blurt out.
“Mr. Williams?”
It takes me a few seconds to actually realize she’s talking to me.
“Sorry yeah?”
“Room 3, third left down the hall.”
Did she just stifle a laugh? I turn around and see Captain America is smiling at me. That little shit is fuckin’ with my mojo. I double check to make sure my necklace is clearly visible-come on Rick it’s game time.

When I walk in I’m greeted by a black beast of a man who I assume must be a cornerback for the LA Chargers and moonlights as security on the side.
“Okay Mr.,” He quickly scans through his notes, “Williams is it?”
I look around the room searching for his employer but come up short.
Yes that’s me.”
He throws a can of Fierce deodorant to/at me which I fumble before catching.
“So let’s take it from the top just like your brief said-spray, line, and smile.”
I search into the distance but still can’t see anyone.
“Mr. Williams are you okay?” He says looking over his own shoulder trying to locate the source of distraction.
Shit I never knew Suge Knight had branched out into TV commercials.
Yeah I’m fine.”
I’m now extremely self-conscious of my necklace and ironically could really do with the product. Is there even such a thing as a black Jew? Fuck he’s probably a panther.
Well when you’re ready then.”
I spray the product and say the line, “Stay cool as a cucumber with Fierce men.” and smile.
His face instantly lights up and I’m pretty sure I’ve nailed it.
“The line is stay cool as a cucumber with Fierce FOR men.”
“Go again.”
Come on Rick Showtime. I spray the canister and am instantly blind. All I can hear is a raucous, hearty laugh that dominates the room while I choke on the taste of aerosol.
I manage to regain sight long before he stops laughing.
Well you certainly entertained me. Wanna go again?” He says wiping a tear from his eye.

FUCKKKKKKK. I storm out of the audition room and punch the first thing that my fist connects with-a door frame corner. FUCKKKKKK. I hear a crack, followed five seconds later by a throbbing pain. I look at my knuckles and already they’re swollen. This is all Captain America’s fault for messing with my head. FUCKKKKK.
I return to the reception area and Captain Jerkoff’s still there as wholesomely pure as when I left him. I confidently approach and tell him that the casting director has a message for him. I wait until he begins to stand up and punch him straight back down like a jack in the box.
“He says you’re not quite what he’s looking for.” and I exit confident having delivered a performance worthy of any Hollywood leading man.

Next Chapter.

Previous Chapter.

From the beginning.

One thought on “The Audition

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *