The thoughts of going home tomorrow are killing me. My time in Menorca has for the most part been incredibly boring, but even now as I sit here having my first beer in days with my mother, while another karaoke killer howls in the background, I feel good.
I look great tanned from head to toe, and despite my initial hatred of the crackers I persevered, and by day three my appetite came back-think I’ve even gained a couple of pounds. The first couple of days were tough-trying to get over my greatest case of the fears to date-but once I pushed past the paranoia, shitting, and night terrors the holiday was just what the doctor ordered.
“So what time is your flight at tomorrow?”
“Half one I think.”
“You looking forward to going back?”
“Yeah it should be grand,” I say lying in a vain attempt to mask my emotions.
Well at least you had a decent break luv’. I’m really going to miss having you around though.”
I can feel my eyes beginning to well so decide to make my excuses and flea.
“Actually I’m feeling really tired now. Do you mind if I go home?”
“Of course not sure I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Thanks Mam.”
As I get up to leave she grabs my arm and I can feel her sadness.
“It’s been great having you over luv’.”
The walk home calms me down due in no small part to the relaxing calls of crickets, grasshoppers, and what sounds like red hot tarmac cooling down. I’m lost in thought staring at the moon until I’m rudely interrupted by a thick English accent.
“Excuse me are you a local?”
Right in front of me are three English girls. They seem older than the usual Menorca clientele and I can’t think what they’d be doing here.
No I’m from Ireland.”
Oh Ireland! I love Ireland. Whereabouts?” The blonde skankier of the three asks.
“Dublin.”
“Do you know Westlife? I love Westlife,” the red haired vixen pipes up.
“Yeah I went to school with them,” and I can tell straight away that my tone isn’t registering.
“Wow that’s so cool,” the red haired girl responds.
“I just love the Irish accent. Say thirty three and a third”. The other brunette girl seems embarrassed and instantly becomes the most likeable.
“Turty tree and a turd,” which blondie and red lap up looking like seals as they excitedly clap.
“Do you know anywhere good to go for a drink?” The brunette asks.
Well it’s more of a family Island. The only two places are the Blue lagoon, and Cheers which are just around the corner and right beside each other.”
“Do you fancy joining us for a drink?” Blondie asks.
“Sure why not.”
Even by the Blue lagoon’s standards the place is a total crèche tonight. The girls fired their names at me so quickly that I’m not sure who is who. Donna is definitely the brunette, I’m pretty sure blondie is Tray-say (Tracy), but I’ve no idea who Red is supposed to be although judging by how drunk she is I doubt she even knows herself.
After some brief inane chat I’ve ascertained that Donna works in insurance, Tracy’s a mother of two, and Red is a dancer-neither of which surprises me.
“So what has you out in Menorca? I mean it’s not exactly Ibiza.”
“Tracy’s having some trouble with her fella and we all thought we could do with a break. Menorca was just the cheapest last minute bargain.”
“And what about you?”
“I’m visiting my mam and sis-they run the Irish bar near Burger King.”
“You hear that? To-nay’s got an Irish bar,” Tracy says to Red although I don’t think she’s listening.
I think Donna’s interested but she’s a little hard to read, unlike Tracy who’s an open book. Red’s definitely worth a shag-she just has that look.
“Anyone fancy some shots?” I say but the answer is as obvious as Red’s sexual prowess.
One becomes two becomes three becomes four…I may be quite tipsy but I’m on top of the world. My relative patience in pursuing Donna is finally paying off as our wet lips passionately interlock. Tracy looked like she was going to be the front runner until Donna hopped on me out of the blue. God bless jealously! If it wasn’t for Tracy and her double entendres(that weren’t really entendres at all just really crude and crass sexual statements) I’d probably still be chatting to Donna about the price of houses, our jobs, and English summers. The more she runs her hands over my body the more I revise my opinions on Red-Donna is the definite sexual predator here.
“Donna. Donna you’ve got to come quick. Amy’s balling her eyes out,” Tracy says dragging Donna with her.
Fuck it anyway. I follow in pursuit and find Red slumped in a chair out on the Cheers front crying hysterically.
“What’s wrong?” Donna asks while comforting Red.
“Ev, ev, ev, every-thing is fucked.”
“What? What is it?”
“I cheated on Daniel.” I guess I was right the first time-Red is the sexual predator.
“Shhh calm down Donna. A drunken kiss doesn’t count.”
“I just shagged some guy in the toilet of Cheers,” she says crying even harder. My only surprise is she actually seems shocked that she did it.
I start a mental countdown in my head and before I’ve reached ten Red runs off into the direction of the toilets. I’ve seen it all a thousand times and her predictable instability briefly reminds me of Crazyhorse. Donna’s the first one to feign concern.
“I suppose we should go after her?” She says which to her credit just causes Tracy to roll her eyes to the heavens.
I can tell the last thing Donna wants to do is chase after Red but having committed herself to the cause she really has no choice. She leaves me with a parting kiss on the lips indicating that she could be gone quite a while.
I weigh up the impending scenarios:

  1. Red’s holed up in a toilet cubicle crying uncontrollably and refusing to talk.
  2. Red’s angrily confronting the “dickhead” who took advantage of her.
  3. Red’s gone back for more.
  4. A combination of all of the above
    Either way I reckon I’ve at least a twenty-minute window so I decide to take the opportunity to refuel.
    “Do you want a drink Tracy?”
    “Sure why not.”
    Inside the bar is barely distinguishable from the Blue Lagoon with the same lame holiday decor-cheesy blue lights, neon signs, and to the untrained eye the same greasy bar staff. I haven’t been in Cheers in years and even then I was probably too old for the place.
    I order a couple of shots each and Tracy pretends to ruffle through her bag in search of some money.
    “It’s okay Trace they’re on me.”
    “Awh thanks To-nay you’re such a sweetheart.”
    I sincerely doubt Tracy ever pays for drinks in the company of men-not in cash anyway. When the drinks arrive we automatically dispense of them and I order another round for good measure. The more I look at Tracy the more I want her. I love her lack of subtly. She knows what she wants and on more occasions then not I’m sure she gets it.
    “So are you missing your kids at all?”
    “Yes I love my little babies. There’s Kyle who’s four, and Jamie who’s two. They mean the world to me. I just had to get away from my partner-he’s very possessive.”
    “I’m not surprised. I wouldn’t let you out of my sight,” I say smugly smiling at my own Bond-like brilliance, and as she provocatively rubs my side I can’t help thinking there’ll be pussy galore tonight.
    “I certainly do miss having a man with me if you know what I mean?”
    I dive in for a kiss and straight away she grabs my cock leaving me to once again doubt if Red is truly number one. We continue our passionate exchange and I kiss with one eye constantly looking over her shoulder at the toilet to make sure Donna doesn’t catch me anytime soon.
    Eventually Donna and Red surface from the toilets and I immediately brush Tracy aside.
    “What you do that for babe?”
    I nod in the girl’s direction although it doesn’t deter her in the slightest.
    “I want you so bad.”
    The two return with Red looking the worst for wear and Donna eyeing me over suspiciously. She’s not a stupid girl and compared to these two she’s Albert Einstein. I know she’s sizing me up and every second I leave her linger is another second closer to the truth. If I don’t pre-emptively strike in the next five seconds I’ve lost her.
    Hey Donna have you got a second?” I say pulling her to one side “What’s the story with Tracey?”
    “What do you mean?”
    “I think we both know exactly what I mean. All night she’s been pulling out of me and just before you walked in she tried to kiss me.”
    “She’s just drunk and besides she’s having a few problems at home.”
    “Oh,” I say letting it hang in the air before sealing my deceit with a kiss. I appear to have duped her and come out the bigger man, but I don’t want to take any chances letting her ruminate on what just happened.
    “Come on Donna being a hero must be thirsty work? Let me get you a drink.”
    Red disappeared shortly after her initial return under the pretense of yet another mental breakdown. I still half expect to stumble upon her behind a dark corner or bush being fucked by four guys as I walk the girl’s home. We should have been home at least forty minutes ago but Tracey insists on tripping on every curb, or falling into every bush we encounter.
    “Toe-nay…give us an ‘and babe” has become her signature call and every time I bend down to pick her up she whispers something dirty in my ear.
    Finally Donna recognizes the apartment and we gingerly make our way over.
    “Right so who has the key?” I say.
    “Amy has it. She took it off my earlier when she wanted to go home,” Donna replies.
    Great so my only hope of getting laid is being dogged in a car park as we speak.
    The girls bang the door calling her name and I join in praying I can salvage my sex life from the drain.
    “AMY AMY…AMY ARE YOU IN THERE?”
    “Relax Ton ay you’ll break the door,” Donna says.
    “What are we going to do?” Tracey says.
    “Maybe reception has a key?” I say more out of desperation than hope.
    Tracey slumps down against the door and with her eyes firmly closed informs us that she’s not going anywhere because her feet are too swollen and that she thinks she may have stood on some glass.
    Fine then I guess we’ll have to go.” Donna says.
    No you can’t leave me on my own Donna. What if I get raped?”
    “Fine I’ll go then,” Donna says and before she stomps off into the night I tell her to “hurry back” and kiss her with the required conviction to seal the deal.
    Donna’s barely around the corner as Tracey slowly starts to undo my jeans.
    “I want to suck your cock so bad Toe-nay,” and I almost expect her to follow it up with “if you know what I mean”. I look into her eyes while she slides down my jeans and I see she’s deadly serious. This isn’t a means to an end, or statutory foreplay-she genuinely wants nothing more than to get me off. I slide into her mouth and straight away I know this is something special, and in all likelihood will be the greatest blowjob I’ll ever receive in my life. I barely get enough of a chance to work up a rhythm before I feel the shiver flow down my spine and my legs tingle, but rather than fight it I close my eyes and simply let myself go. The feeling is so euphorically intense that my whole body is momentarily powerless except for my erect penis, which is still firing like an automatic machine gun unaware the clip has already been emptied. It takes me a few seconds to catch my breath and another few before I can form sentences.
    “Ohh my God. Fuck. That was amazing.” Her lipstick smile glistens in the moonlight and I know by the self-satisfied look on her face that she wants to say “well duh” but instead humours me with “thanks babe”. This girl is definitely the one.
    Shortly afterward Donna returns and I’m still smiling moronically from my latest endorphin release.
    “What has you so happy?” She says.
    “Just glad you’re back,” and even though my back is turned to Tracey I’m sure she’s smiling too. Donna opens the door inadvertently exposing us all to the magnificence of Red’s bald twat. It’s not until the lights are flicked on that Red begins to move.
    “You where in here the entire time you stupid cow,” Donna says which causes Red to finally open her eyes.
    “I’m really…oh I’m sorry I didn’t realize you where here Tony,” and slowly readjusts herself to a sitting position, closing her legs, although makes no effort to put on any pants.
    “We’ve been stuck out there for ages,” Donna says while flinging a pair of frumpy underwear at Red.
    “These aren’t mine,” she says and I myself can’t believe any of the girls in this house could possibly own them.
    The girls continue to argue half-heartedly while I look around the apartment. The place is so messy that it actually has a homely feel to it in that it looks as if they’ve been living here for quite a while with clothes horses, ironing boards and even family photos strewn around the place.
    “Those are my little babies,” Tracey says upon noticing my examination of the picture and her glowing paternal pride throws me off kilt. I mean sure I can certainly picture Tracey having kids (and lots of them) but actually looking after and caring for them? It all seems too surreal. I continue nosing around the apartment and it comes as no surprise when I uncover a bag of sex toys loosely dangling from a plastic bag beside the suitcase. Tracey laughs like a naughty school girl when she registers my facial expression which seems to irk Red.
    “What? What is it?” Red asks raising her head to locate the source of amusement before remembering.
    “Oh those,” she says matter of factually.
    “Haha this house is every man’s wet dream,” I say hoping it’ll be just the provocation the girls need to rip off all their clothes and get the orgy started. But it doesn’t happen and instead I have to make do with tea, small talk and a frequent eyeful of between Red’s legs.
    “Right well I suppose we better be going to bed cause we’ve got that early morning market later,” Donna says and I hope she’s referring to me and her-not the collective group.
    “Okay goodnight girls,” she says and hugs each of the girls before returning to lead me by the hand towards the bedroom.
    “Goodnight Toe-nay.”
    “Night Tracey.” and hearing her accent is all the Viagra I need.
    It’s not until her bedroom door is closed and my clothes are in a pile beside the bed that my hopes are dashed.
    “Tony you’re a really nice guy it’s just I’m not that type of girl.”
    Usually I’d debate the point to the extent that in the very least they’d feel they owe me, but lying here with Donna’s arms peacefully draped around me I don’t really see the point.
    “It’s okay hun we can just lie here and talk,” I say content in the knowledge that no matter how good the sex could be she’ll never be a match for Tracey.
    “Fuck what time is it?”
    “Relax it’s only 11.00.”
    “FUUUUUUUUUUCK…my flight leaves in a couple of hours.”
    I quickly spring out of bed and begin to dress myself frantically but my speed is too much of a hindrance resulting with me having one leg in my jeans and my shirt on back to front.
    “What flight? You never said anything about a flight?”
    “I did remember up at the bar of Cheers?”
    “No.”
    “Shit it must have been Tracey. I’m really really sorry but I’ve got to go. I’ll ring or mail you,” and before she’s got a chance to respond I kiss her on the lips and bound out to the sitting room in search of my shoes.
    In the sitting room Tracey and Red are curled up under a blanket at opposite ends of the couch, and it’s only then I remember the other single bed in Donna’s bedroom. Shit they must have slept out here so Donna could seal the deal. I find my shoes at the end of the couch beside Tracey’s head, startling her in the process.
    Alright babe.”
    I look over to see if the door’s still closed and if Red’s asleep and realizing that I’m in the clear launch myself at Tracey’s lips.
    “I’ve got to go.”
    “Okay see you later Toe-nay.”
    “Yeah later,” I say exiting and never look back.
    Whether she believes I’m sorry or not is irrelevant now because I don’t have the time to plead my case.
    “I have to get ready my flight is in two hours,” I say running up the stairs.
    “I’ve already packed your stuff, and I’ll phone a taxi for you.”
    I quickly continue up to my bedroom to locate my bag. My shirt is soaking from the run home so I exchange it for a light t-shirt and straight away it clings to my sweaty body. Before returning back downstairs I make a brief pit stop at the bathroom to soak my face and make myself look ever so slightly more presentable. The water does nothing more than wet my face and when I dry it off it feels even warmer than before.
    Back downstairs my mother’s made me a cup of tea which I drink a mouthful of just to humour her. My mam doesn’t say much as she dejectedly trudges through an old Hello magazine. Anything I say is met with icy detachment, and the melodrama off this whole scenario has fast worn so thin that I’m at the point of resentment-sometimes I think she gets off on playing the martyr card. I sit in silence until the familiar sound of a taxi beep pierces my concentration and I want to scream at her what’s the big fuckin’ deal? So what if I go out and have a few beers? I’m only twenty-four and already have the responsibilities of a man well past my years. Fuck, sure 90% of the lads I went to school with are still sucking off their parent’s teat, bleeding them dry while they fail another year of college. So what if I kick back a little on my own fuckin’ holiday.
    Walking to the taxi I still half expect her to run out after me and make some grandiose gesture like in the movies when a conflict is resolved by one simple sentence. I wait in hope in the back of the taxi but nothing happens, and as I pull away not even a wave.
    Five minutes later my phone beeps and it’s a message from my mam-fuck I must have left my passport on the table.
    “Look after yourself.” appears on the screen and I’m relieved-thank God I didn’t forget my passport.

Whether she believes I’m sorry or not is irrelevant now because I don’t have the time to plead my case.
“I have to get ready my flight is in two hours,” I say running up the stairs.
“I’ve already packed your stuff, and I’ll phone a taxi for you.”
I quickly continue up to my bedroom to locate my bag. My shirt is soaking from the run home so I exchange it for a light t-shirt and straight away it clings to my sweaty body. Before returning back downstairs I make a brief pit stop at the bathroom to soak my face and make myself look ever so slightly more presentable. The water does nothing more than wet my face and when I dry it off it feels even warmer than before.
Back downstairs my mother’s made me a cup of tea which I drink a mouthful of just to humour her. My mam doesn’t say much as she dejectedly trudges through an old Hello magazine. Anything I say is met with icy detachment, and the melodrama of this whole scenario has fast worn so thin that I’m at the point of resentment-sometimes I think she gets off on playing the martyr card. I sit in silence until the familiar sound of a taxi beep pierces my concentration and I want to scream at her what’s the big fuckin’ deal? So what if I go out and have a few beers? I’m only twenty-four and already have the responsibilities of a man well past my years. Fuck, sure 90% of the lads I went to school with are still sucking off their parent’s teat, bleeding them dry while they fail another year of college. So what if I kick back a little on my own fuckin’ holiday.
Walking to the taxi I still half expect her to run out after me and make some grandiose gesture like in the movies when a conflict is resolved by one simple sentence. I wait in hope in the back of the taxi but nothing happens, and as I pull away not even a wave.
Five minutes later my phone beeps and it’s a message from my mam-fuck I must have left my passport on the table.
“Look after yourself.” appears on the screen and I’m relieved-thank God I didn’t forget my passport.

Previous Chapter

From the beginning.

One thought on “Rat: Chapter 29

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *